Tuesday, February 1, 2011

no really, grab a tissue!

I can't believe Im going to share this story.
But its eating me alive today.
My guts are ripped out. And I feel like scum.
This Sweet little boy!
The boy who just went through putting a cast on and the pain of a broken wrist.
The little boy who looks up to him mommy.
loves me.
kisses me
Tells me how pretty I am. Everyday!
Never says a unkind word to me.
This little boy.....
Today I let him down.
I forgot about him.
My eyes well up with tears just thinking about it.
Today was snack day for the Jr High kids at my house....
I rushed to make sure it was all hot and ready by the time they all ran in the door.
I was rushing.
rushing rushing rushing.
What I have done for the past 2 days. RUSHING!!!
My fault for continuing to add things to my unimportant list of to-do's.
Editing, planning, playing, stressing, and checking off lists!
With all the chaos of having a house full of teenage kids.
and My schedule slightly different today.
I forgot to go pick him up from school.
have you noticed how cold it was today?
Where I pick him up at is next to a field.....he walks through the small field to meet me, like a large majority of the kids.
I was not there. Can you imagine the concern in his mind?
as 10 minutes came and gone.....15 minutes, 20 minutes......30 minutes.....
I am always right there. I am always there for him.
how cold he was?
He probably was so scared, wondering, worrying.
panicked? let down by me?
I'm bawling even typing those words down.
Back to the story,
I asked mike if I should grab Jax or him?
He had other things he was doing so I agreed to pick up.
So mike went about his projects.
I then thought, I hope the kids leave some pizza for Jax...
its 4:00!!!!!!!!!!
I yelled for mike I told him to get in the car....
We both left running!!!
I drove away in pure panic....
Where would he be? Curled up in a ball waiting all alone so cold and crying?
Is he kidnapped?
Did someone take him home and then call the cops on me?
Did he walk back to the school? scared?
As we approached the school, we saw a little orange spot in the field walking back to the school.
All alone.
ALL ALONE! in the cold, in the windy freezing cold!
I floored the peddle down as far as it could go. And it still wasn't going fast enough.
I honked as many times as I could till he looked over and saw us....
as we stopped, miked jumped out and went running towards him so fast.
Jackson running towards his dad.
I sat in the car and watched in the distance and cried as I saw him jump in mikes arms.
Mike held him and cried....
Jackson looked almost lifeless as one arm couldn't fit in the coat sleeve because of his cast....so it hung there, While his other arm was wrapped around mikes neck so tight.
He brought him back to the car and put him in the back seat, I then jumped back with him and grabbed him and cried and told him how sorry I was and that I will NEVER EVER do that again!!!!
His tears were frozen down his cheeks.
His ears were frozen.
His cheeks were red and cold.
His fingertips were ice.
and he just layed on my chest.
We got him home and hugged on him some more.
He ate pizza, played with a friend and now is jumping around like it never happened.
while I still sit here crying!
devastated that I just actually did that!
I asked mike to run and buy him the new Donkey Kong country for the Wii that he has been begging for.
I knew it would make him so exciting and that's the least I could do.
and that's exactly what it did. :)
He is a happy boy! and Hugged me with 60 "I love you's"
Im so mad at myself.
Im so MAD that my first priority being a mother was put second, third and fourth.
definatly praying for a better priority system tonight.
Both girls keep telling me its ok and that we all make mistakes..
This I know.
but Still..........I WILL no doubt in my mind not let this happen again.
oh my heart. :(


Jeri said...

I don't know what to say. I am crying too. Why did it have to be so cold today? Hug him...then have him hug you right back. You both need it.

~Ali~ said...

Poor Jackson AND mommy and daddy!!! I can't imagine! But just like if you were repenting for something.....you have to forgive yourself in order to be forgiven! Jackson has forgiven you and is okay. You guys are AWESOME parents and should feel good that is the kind of "mess up" you have had. Other parents don't care about their kids and do drugs right in front of them! I know you are upset...but try to forgive yourself. Love all of your guts!!! MUAH!

Nicole said...

Oh Annie! This made my eyes well up! Your such a good mom. Okay.....confession time:
When Olivia was about 5 weeks old, I forgot her at home. Seriously. The same thing as you, I was rushing around getting things together for a family dinner that we were one our way too. I made sure to grab the salad, the chips and the drinks, but I forgot my baby! The panic! SHEER PANIC! I was only a few minutes down the road when I looked back and noticed the base for her carseat was empty-but here is the worst part. I couldn't even remember where she was! Somewhere at home obviously-but for the life of me I couldn't remember where I had put her. How horrible is that?! I floored it back to our house screaming and crying. I ran in to find her sound asleep in her carseat right by the laundry room. I LEFT MY BABY! I shook and cried for days. All the what ifs running through my head and heart. That was almost two years ago and I still have moments of terror thinking about it. It has NEVER even come close to happening again-but I SO feel your pain. Us moms just push ourselves so hard. These things are good reminders to go easy and NOT sweat the small stuff. Something I am NOT good at. Your a great mom. An awesome mom! I love your blog and your outlook on life. Go easy on yourself. He knows you love him to the moon and back-I'm sure of that! {Hugs!}

Alyssa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Green's said...

Oh honey, you are such a good mom. We all have those kind of days. I am so glad he is ok. You are so precious. Forgive yourself!

April said...

Oh I'm crying too and I don't even know you! I have a 6 1/2 yr old boy he is my sweet heart! I've let him down a few times and I love him! I can imagine how heart broken and scared you were. Oh and it was so cold today! Ugh! Glad he was safe and still loves you! Love your blog!!!!

Heidi Hiller said...

Oh my goodness! Thanks for the good cry!!! I didn't take your advice and grab tissues first either!!!!
Lucky for us mothers, our sweet children are easy to forgive us and will ALWAYS love their Mamas!! HUGS!

Candice said...

I'm sorry! In my opinion, the only way to be a bad mom is to not try to do ones best, not try harder each day, to think oneself is perfect and not pray to our Heavenly Father to help us to do better. I'm not sure how much sense that made, but hopefully you get my drift. I don't know you but from what you write- you love and adore your kids and try to do better each day. In my book, that is a great mom!!!

Erin said...

Ohhh I could see this all un-folding as you were telling this story! I could not imagine the panic you were feeling. I am glad that you were able to spoil him and give him lots of hugs. That is what he will remember. He has a mama who loves him! I have yet to forget a child, but oh boy...do I have lots of other moments where I felt like a horrible mother! I think we all do :)

Natalie said...

OH MY! Annie - so sad! I cried too. I actually left my kids waiting on Monday too - i haven't been well and I had fallen asleep and they were patiently waiting in the bitter wind. You are a great mom - GREAT!!!

Torri P said...

funny how alot of us moms have similar stories. Its hard to leave life behind sometimes and remember that being mommy comes first. If you find a good way to get organized that way, let me know. I have left Madison at school twice. Luckily, she had a teacher that made sure all her students got home before she even went back in the school. You are a great mom, and I am sure all your kids know that! Kids forgive quickly....something us adults should learn!

Tanada said...

I have to tell you that in November I did the same thing to my poor little kindergartener. I bawled for three straight hours and Hannah didn't even seem upset. She laughed and said "I was wondering where you were". I felt like the most terrible parent in the world and didn't deserve my sweet little girl. I feel your pain and totally understand how you feel. Hugs!!!

meg duerksen said...

i have done this.
on the first day of kindergarten! i dropped him off at school and then went shopping with my other little ones. then the new routine just vanished.
i went about my day.
at 1:00 i remembered in a panic.
and hour and a half late.
he'd been dropped off by a bus an hour and half before i remembered. my neighbor just happened (sent by god i am sure) to be walking by with her sons. she thought it was odd for him to be alone so she sat with him awhile never acting strange and then she took him home.
she never told him i forgot him. she said "want to eat lunch with us?" and took him home.
when i got home hysterical there was a message from her saying he was safe and she hoped i was safe.
but she had called the hospitals and my husband because she was so worried.
it was so awful....so accidental.....so embarrassing.
but it was just gone out of my mind...poof!
busy moms make mistakes.
it is ok.
but it is still hard to forgive ourselves.

love your blog. :)